Standing up as best man means delivering a speech that’ll make people laugh without getting you permanently banned from family gatherings. The secret weapon? A collection of perfectly timed one-liners that hit just the right note between hilarious and heartfelt.
Self-Deprecating Humor That Breaks the Ice
Nothing disarms a crowd faster than making fun of yourself before anyone else gets the chance. These openers acknowledge your nerves while getting everyone on your side from the first sentence.
- “I’ve been practicing this speech in the mirror for weeks, and even my reflection looks bored.”
- “They asked me to keep this short and sweet, which is perfect because I’m neither tall nor particularly kind.”
- “I’m not great with public speaking, but I figured if I can survive [Groom’s name]’s bachelor party stories, I can survive anything.”
- “I was told to speak from the heart, but my heart is currently beating so fast it sounds like a techno song.”
- “I’ve given exactly one wedding speech before this—at my own wedding—and my wife still brings up how I forgot her middle name.”
Self-deprecating humor works because it shows you don’t take yourself too seriously. Wedding guests appreciate honesty over perfection, and admitting your flaws makes everything that follows feel more genuine and less rehearsed.
Gentle Roasts About the Groom
Friendship is built on a foundation of mutual mockery, and your best man speech is the perfect time to cash in years of accumulated embarrassing stories. Keep it loving but pointed.
- “[Groom’s name] is the kind of guy who reads instruction manuals for fun and still assembles furniture upside down.”
- “I’ve known [Groom’s name] for [X] years, and I can honestly say he’s consistently exceeded my lowest expectations.”
- “[Groom’s name] once spent three hours looking for his phone while using its flashlight to search.”
- “He’s the only person I know who can get lost using GPS in his own neighborhood.”
- “[Groom’s name] is living proof that you don’t need to be smart to be lucky—just look at who he’s marrying.”
The key to successful groom-roasting lies in choosing flaws that are endearing rather than genuinely embarrassing. Focus on harmless quirks that make him human rather than stories that might make his new in-laws question their daughter’s judgment.
Wedding Day and Marriage Observations
Marriage jokes are wedding speech classics for a reason—they’re universally relatable and give you material that doesn’t require inside knowledge of the couple’s relationship dynamics.
- “Marriage is like a deck of cards—in the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but later you’ll wish you had a club and a spade.”
- “They say marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops.”
- “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener—especially when you see the credit card bills.”
- “Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy and they control the thermostat.”
- “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times—always with the same person, preferably.”
These universal truths about marriage get laughs because everyone in the room either relates to them personally or has observed them in other couples. They’re safe territory that won’t offend anyone while still delivering solid punchlines.
Compliments Disguised as Insults
Sometimes the best way to say something nice is to wrap it in sarcasm. These backhanded compliments show affection while maintaining that essential best friend dynamic of never being too sincere.
- “[Groom’s name] has always been there for me—usually about twenty minutes late, but consistently so.”
- “He’s got a heart of gold and the organizational skills of a caffeinated squirrel.”
- “I’ve never met anyone more committed to avoiding commitment than [Groom’s name]—until he met [Bride’s name].”
- “[Groom’s name] is incredibly loyal—he’s been wearing the same haircut since 2003.”
- “He’s the most reliable unreliable person I know, if that makes sense.”
This approach lets you highlight genuinely positive qualities while maintaining the comedic tone that keeps speeches entertaining. Everyone understands you’re actually being affectionate, but the humor prevents things from getting too sentimental too quickly.
Classic One-Liners That Never Fail
Some jokes have survived countless wedding speeches because they simply work. These tried-and-true one-liners are your insurance policy against awkward silence.
- “I was going to tell a joke about the groom’s cooking, but I don’t want to roast him more than he roasts chicken.”
- “[Groom’s name] asked me what marriage would be like, and I told him it’s like a phone call in the night—first comes the ring, then you wake up.”
- “They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but [Bride’s name] found a shortcut through his Netflix password.”
- “Marriage is like a museum—you have to be quiet and you can’t touch anything.”
- “I knew [Groom’s name] was serious about [Bride’s name] when he started using coasters without being asked.”
These reliable crowd-pleasers work because they tap into shared experiences and common relationship dynamics. Every guest will recognize elements of truth in these observations, making them easy laughs that keep your speech momentum going strong.
Crafting the perfect best man speech isn’t about being the funniest person in the room—it’s about celebrating your friendship while entertaining the crowd.
These one-liners give you a foundation to build on, but remember to personalize them with specific details about your friend. The best wedding speeches blend universal humor with personal touches that only you could deliver.