Your wedding vows are probably the most important words you’ll ever speak to another human being.
Yet somehow, when it comes time to write them, many couples turn into either Shakespeare wannabes or mumbling disasters who can barely string together a coherent sentence.
I’ve witnessed both extremes, and trust me—neither one hits the mark. After helping countless couples navigate this emotional minefield, I’ve noticed the same mistakes pop up again and again.
Let’s talk about what not to do when crafting those all-important words.
1. Writing a Novel Instead of Vows
Length doesn’t equal love, despite what your romantic heart might be telling you. I’ve sat through ceremonies where one partner delivered what felt like a dissertation on their relationship history while guests shifted uncomfortably in their seats.
Your vows should be meaningful, not marathon-length. Aim for one to three minutes of speaking time—that’s roughly 150 to 300 words written out.
Any longer and you risk losing your audience’s attention, not to mention your own composure when you’re standing there trying to read through tears.
Think of vows as a concentrated shot of your feelings, not a diluted pitcher. The most powerful vows I’ve heard were often the shortest ones that packed an emotional punch without overstaying their welcome.
2. Turning Your Partner Into a Saint
Nobody wants to marry a perfect person—mainly because perfect people don’t exist, and they’d be insufferable if they did. Yet so many couples feel compelled to turn their vows into a canonization ceremony.
Skip the part where you list every single wonderful quality your partner possesses. It sounds fake, and more importantly, it doesn’t sound like you. Real love acknowledges the whole person, quirks and all.
Instead of painting them as flawless, focus on specific moments or qualities that made you fall in love.
Maybe it’s how they make you laugh when you’re stressed, or how they always remember to buy your favorite coffee. These details feel authentic because they are.
3. Airing Your Dirty Laundry
While we’re on the topic of authenticity, there’s a line between being real and being inappropriate. Your wedding ceremony isn’t therapy, and your guests aren’t your counselors.
Save the deep discussions about past relationship struggles, family drama, or personal growth journeys for private moments. Your vows should acknowledge your journey together without making everyone uncomfortable with too much information.
Focus on where you are now and where you’re going, not every bump you hit along the way. A simple “we’ve weathered storms together” conveys growth without the gory details.
4. Making Inside Jokes Your Whole Personality
Inside jokes are sweet—in small doses. But when your entire vow becomes a series of references that only you two understand, you’ve lost your audience entirely.
Your guests came to witness your love story, not to feel excluded from it. While one or two personal touches are charming, don’t make your officiant and 150 guests feel like they’re eavesdropping on a private conversation.
Strike a balance between personal and universal. Share moments that illustrate your connection while still being accessible to the people who love you both.
5. Promising the Impossible
“I promise I’ll never make you angry again.” “I vow to always be happy.” “I promise to never change.” These sound romantic until you realize they’re completely unrealistic.
Marriage isn’t about becoming perfect versions of yourselves—it’s about growing together through imperfection. Making impossible promises sets you both up for failure and guilt down the road.
Instead, promise things within your control: to communicate openly, to choose love even when it’s hard, to support each other’s dreams. These commitments are both meaningful and achievable.
6. Copying Someone Else’s Homework
Pinterest and wedding blogs are great for inspiration, but terrible for authenticity. I can usually spot borrowed vows from a mile away—they sound beautiful but completely disconnected from the person speaking them.
Your vows should sound like you, not like a greeting card writer having their best day. If you’re naturally funny, let that show. If you’re more serious and contemplative, embrace that tone.
Use examples as starting points, not scripts. The goal is to find your own voice, not to perfectly replicate someone else’s words.
7. Winging It Completely
On the flip side of over-preparation is the couple who thinks they’ll just “speak from the heart” without any planning whatsoever. While spontaneity can be beautiful, your wedding day isn’t the time to discover you’re not great at public speaking.
Even if you’re naturally eloquent, the emotional weight of the moment can make your mind go blank. Having some structure or key points written down gives you a safety net when nerves kick in.
You don’t need to memorize every word, but having a roadmap helps ensure you say what you actually want to say. Your future self will thank you for the preparation.
8. Competing With Your Partner
Marriage isn’t a contest, and neither are your vows. I’ve seen couples get caught up in trying to outdo each other—if one writes something funny, the other feels pressure to be funnier. If one gets emotional, the other thinks they need to cry harder.
Your vows don’t need to match in tone, length, or style. In fact, they probably shouldn’t. You’re two different people with different ways of expressing love, and that’s exactly as it should be.
Coordinate on the basics—like approximate length and whether you want to keep them secret until the ceremony—but don’t try to create matching emotional experiences. Authenticity trumps symmetry every time.
9. Forgetting Your Audience
Your vows are primarily for your partner, but they’re not happening in a vacuum. Grandma’s in the front row, your boss is in the back, and kids might be present. Keep your audience in mind when choosing your words.
This doesn’t mean sanitizing your personality, but it does mean being thoughtful about content and language. Save the steamier declarations for your private moments together.
Consider the setting too. Outdoor ceremonies might require projecting your voice, while intimate gatherings allow for softer, more conversational tones.
10. Skipping the Practice Round
Writing your vows is only half the battle—you also have to deliver them. Many couples spend weeks crafting perfect words, then never practice saying them out loud until they’re standing at the altar.
Read your vows aloud multiple times before the big day. This helps you catch awkward phrasing, identify where you might get emotional, and build confidence in your delivery.
Practice with different scenarios too. What if you start crying? What if you lose your place? Having a plan for these moments helps you stay present instead of panicking.
Finding Your Voice in the Chaos
Writing vows can feel overwhelming because the stakes seem impossibly high. But here’s what I’ve learned after years of watching couples navigate this process: the best vows aren’t perfect—they’re honest.
Your partner already knows you’re not a professional writer or public speaker. They fell in love with you anyway, stumbles and all. Trust that your genuine feelings, expressed in your own words, are exactly what they want to hear.
The goal isn’t to deliver the most eloquent vows ever written. It’s to share your heart with the person you’re choosing to spend your life with, witnessed by the people who matter most to you both.